A few months ago I posted a story about finding a
tarantula in my Jeep while I was driving to the beach one
morning. Dozens of people have told me that it was their
favorite article I’ve written so far, and judging from all the
e-mail I got there seems to be a big interest in the
creepy-crawly things here on Vieques.
Well, since I don’t have a great fishing story this month, lets
meet another charming resident, the giant brown centipede. The
handsome fellow pictured here was a mere six inches long. They
get twice that size and those black things near its head in the
close-up photo are fangs. Oh yeah, the giant brown centipede,
which can grow over a foot long, is also highly venomous.
Hooray!
Most websites will tell you that the giant brown centipede’s
bite is painful but not dangerous to humans. That’s a load of
bull. I personally know two people on Vieques who were sent to
the hospital with centipede bites. Our veterinarian even told me
he once had to amputate a puppy’s leg after it was bit by one.
That’s right, the giant brown centipede also kills puppies! If
that’s not proof of how evil these things are just Google
“centipede eats bat” and watch the video, but only if you don’t
need much sleep tonight.
Unlike
my tarantula encounter, there’s nothing really funny about
finding a giant brown centipede on the floor of your bedroom. I
woke up one morning and there it was, a few feet away from where
I was peacefully sleeping. It made the tarantula seem about as
threatening as finding a baby panda in my Jeep.
After killing the centipede with two cans of Raid and half a
clip of .45 caliber hollow-points, I did what any reasonable
homeowner would do and decided to burn my house to the ground.
Unfortunately, I live in a typical Vieques home built out of
cement block and poured concrete which doesn’t light easily. So
I did the next best thing and moved out the following day. I’m
writing this from the safety of Pine Island, Florida, where the
sharks, cottonmouths, and alligators make me feel like I’m in a
petting zoo.
In
all seriousness, and before I cause everyone reading this to
cancel their vacation plans to the island, this was the first
and only giant centipede I’ve ever found inside my house, and my
moving to Florida happens every year at this time. It had
nothing to do with the centipede. Our friend Art from AA
Exterminators has done a great job of keeping centipedes out
over the past five years, but Vieques is in the tropics and
these things are part of the landscape. Fortunately, the giant
brown centipede is a nocturnal hunter and prefers dark and very
moist places. Flip over a bunch of rocks or rotting logs in the
jungle down here and you’ll definitely find a few. They rarely
come inside occupied homes. If this were an everyday occurrence
I wouldn’t be writing about it. In fact I wouldn’t even be
living here.
It’s not that I’m squeamish about things that creep and crawl. I
adore lizards and snakes and have had dozens as pets over the
years. Handling slimy fish is what I get paid to do and just
about any wild animal fascinates me. But I draw the line at the
giant brown centipede. I mean, it’s not only the most horrifying
thing on Earth, but it’s also a venomous, bat eating, puppy
killer. Where did this thing possibly come from?
For years now the debate between believers in evolution and
believers in creation have focused on the great apes. Did we or
didn’t we evolve from them? I think that both sides are looking
in the wrong direction and need to focus instead on the
existence of the giant brown centipede. There’s plenty to debate
here.
How did this thing possibly evolve? Nothing eats it and it
doesn’t control the population of anything. It doesn’t even
pollinate any plant. So what possible purpose does it serve
other than to freak people out? There’s no scientific
explanation for its existence that I can possibly think of. At
the same time, I believe that God loves us and would never
create such a thing as the giant brown centipede on purpose.
So I have a couple theories of my own. Either God stepped out
for a few minutes to admire His handiwork and Satan snuck in and
came up with it, or it evolved on another planet and a group of
aliens dropped it off here since they couldn’t stand having them
around either. Both theories make sense to me. If we had the
technology we’d beam every giant brown centipede straight to
Alpha Centauri tomorrow, and that bat eating video was clearly
filmed in Hell. So that’s the giant brown centipede, a trick by
the devil or a nasty gift from aliens. Take your pick. I promise
we’ll talk fishing again next time.
Capt. Gregg McKee,
WildFly Charters
